Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
