Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Randomize
