non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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