Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
