how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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