It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
