Duck Duck Cougar?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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