I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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