My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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