3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
