i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
