So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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