mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize