DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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