I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
