im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
