i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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