Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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