My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
