Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
