Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
