I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
