I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
