and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
