You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
