The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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