so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
