she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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