I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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