i permit you to call me
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
