best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
