First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize