3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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