well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Randomize
