A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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