But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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