the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
