I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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