Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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