Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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