Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
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