I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Acid is not a monday night drug
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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