I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Vodka?
Forever.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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