i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
