he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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