we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
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