mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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