I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
