how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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