why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
