Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
