Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I fill condoms, not promises.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
