god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
