remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
