every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
