sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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