she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We have started to decorate penises.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
