can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
