we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
