I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
