i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
