Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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