you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
