this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
